Little Red Riding Hood, on PMS
by TrojanTony
Summary: Little Red Riding Hood isn't so innocent anymore at the age of 18, heh, heh, British humour.


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Little Red Riding Hood,  
Went for a walk  
To her Grandma's house...  
Heh heh heh.  
  
**Hello Wolfie**

  
They say that wolves can be dangerous and cunning, but what if the wolf met a very dangerous Human girl?  
  
(If you go down to the woods today, you're sure of a big surprise, oops, sorry, wrong one. *cough* There was a young girl called Robin who liked to go a bobbin, did it again, sorry. Ok, it's Red Riding Hood, whoever screwed up the rhymes is in for some serious shit when I get through with them. Ok kiddies, gather round, story time AND PUT OUT THE CAT YOU NAUGHTY LITTLE BOY! WHO GAVE THE KIDS MATCHES? YOU ASSHOLES! THAT'S THE TENTH CAT WE'VE LOST TO THESE NUTTERS! ASSHOLES! WHAT?! Oh, the story, of course. Ok, gather round and I'll tell you a story, just don't expect me to do the voices this time, my throat is still sore from that erotic story you wanted me to demonstrate with that hulk a hulk a burning love Mr. Garret. Now shut up and stop setting fire to the cats, I SAID STOP IT!)  
  
There was this little girl call Red who one day decided to go and see her grandmother in the forest, or more like to bother her since that's what you kids do these days. Anyway, she packed a basket full of food and remembered to take her toy with her in case she got bored of walking to some old fart's place for no reason but to smile at her, I mean bug the shit out of her with endless questions about sex and why she's so old.   
  
(What? I'm telling the kids a story, I'll be with you once I'm done, have the ice cream on ice.  
Now as I was saying before I was so intimately interrupted.)  
  
Little Red Riding Hood, a rather fetching 18 years old and didn't get the nickname 'Riding' for nothing, slipped on her red cloak since her coat that said 'I'm a bitch and horny as hell, so screw me and screw you, on the back was being washed by her dog that liked to slobber on anyone and anything.   
  
(I'm trying to tell a story here, I can't tell the story with the cat screaming it's head off because it's tail is on fire, it's very distracting. Do that again and I'll sedate the bloody lot of you.)  
  
Anyway, Red left the house while mumbling to herself to shoot the dog when she got back and also sticking a finger up to her nosy neighbour who had a habit of peeking in her front window every day. After some heated words to a few people along the way, Red then entered the forest and headed to her grandmother's house, merrily skipping along and bashing any kamikaze squirrels that jumped out at her.   
Unknown to Red of course she was being watched by a very hungry wolf, a very smart wolf indeed that wanted to eat this 'delightful' Human because he hated the choice of food at the supermarket, you can only stand so much frozen meals you see.  
So he followed her to her grandmother's house and stopped her before she got there and asked her a question.  
"Where are you going, you succulent looking morsel?" The wolf asked, his eyes on her breasts and not the food since this was a wolf who liked the finer things in life.  
"What's it to you? You're just a pathetic wolf with it's eyes on my breasts, want a picture? Would last longer, now get out of my way before I hit you so hard, you'll be two ways to Friday before you know it's Monday, now fuck off and leave me be." Swinging her basket hard, Red sends the wolf flying into the bushes and continues on the way to grandma's house, pulling her jeans down and full mooning to the wolf before she's out of sight. The wolf isn't deterred though, his pride is hurt but his stomach is his master and he chases after her, getting to the grandmother's house first since he figured out that she was going there, didn't take much for him to think that either since the path that Red was on only went to the grandmother's house.  
"I'll get me those breasts, I mean, that morsel in me if it's the last thing I do." The wolf muttered as it knocked at the door after reaching grandma's house.   
  
(What? Are you wanting detail? Sod that, I've got a standing report waiting me to give a little tongue tying so do your own bloody detail. NOT ANOTHER FUCKING CAT!  
Grr, back to the story.)  
  
When grandma had answered the door, she had been surprised to see the wolf waiting there. So being the silly old fart that she was, she invited the wolf in for a cup of tea and a chat. The wolf didn't want tea though, he wanted a meal so he killed the grandma with a single fart and hid her body behind her 580 inch TV and thought of a plan to trick Red when she arrived.   
Now this wolf has a slight fetish, he likes to wear woman's clothing and while that's all fine and well when he's alone, he tends to try it when he's wanting to eat someone as well, like the time he dressed up as a hooker and invited himself to a birthday party for a man who had hit 21, he had enjoyed that night very much indeed.   
So looking around and also checking the fridge for coleslaw to serve with Red, the wolf found a nightie and cap and slipped them on, slipping into the grandmother's bed once dressed.  
It didn't take very long for Red to arrive, she had just recently sent two squirrels into the female squirrel population with two good kicks and she knocked at the door, bored witless with all the nature around her.  
"Come in dearie." The wolf called out in a perfect imitation of the grandmother's voice. Red entered the house and instantly saw the wolf posing as her grandmother and she smiled, glad that someone had done in the old bat.   
"I see you've brought some wonderful food for me today." The wolf imitated perfectly as Red went over to him.  
"Guess so. What big eyes you have grandma!" The wolf smiled, liking how well his plan worked.  
"All the better to see you with, my dear." He replied.  
"And what big ears you have grandma!" Red's hand slipped into her cloak.  
"All the better to see you with, my dear." The wolf didn't notice that her hand had gone into her cloak.  
"And what big teeth you have grandma!" Red felt her hand go around her target in her cloak.  
"ALL THE BETTER TO EAT YOU WITH!" The wolf yelled out as he jumped from the bed, Red just standing there as she pulled a 12 bore shotgun from her cloak.  
"What a big gun I have 'grandma!'" She smiled as she aimed it.  
"Oh shit!" The wolf cried out as he ducked for cover, Red firing a second later.  
"Come on fuckwit! Let's dance!" Red yells out as she fires again, the wolf barely avoiding the blast.  
"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" The wolf screams out as he makes for the door, not knowing that Red had actually locked it when she had entered.   
"I always wanted a fur coat!" Red calls out as she follows the wolf in his hunt for a way out of the house. After finding out that all the doors were locked a minute later, the wolf run for the only doors left, the patio glass doors and he hoped they were open.   
"Come out, come out, wherever you are, mama's got PMS and a fucking great gun!" Red calls out as the wolf runs for the glass doors.  
"Not on your nelly!" The wolf yells out seconds before he smacks into the closed and locked glass doors, reinforced glass.  
"No, please no!" Red enters the room and smiles as she sees the wolf praying with tears in his eyes.  
"Hello wolfie! Any last requests?" She asks as she aims the gun at the wolf.  
"Let me go? I promise I'll be good, promise!" Red just keeps smiling and shakes her head.  
"No go, pal, you may have done me a favour in getting rid of that stupid old bat, but I don't like anyone and anything looking at my breasts, hope you can dance, hell has great night clubs." Then with her finger applying pressure to the trigger, the wolf is turned into a delightful part of the wall and Red leaves the house, her mind focused on selling her grandmother's house and taking a holiday with the money.   
  
(There, done.  
Right I'm off, you lot go and blow up a building or something, I have a very long treat waiting for me. GET OUT!)  
  
Moral of the story, don't mess with a bitch on PMS and who has a ruddy great gun on her person, woman are lethal bloody weapons, END! 


End file.
